Saturday, Nov. 22, 2003
I knew it was to good to be true. After Jade's opening of the extension of the organic fruit aisle in Safeways, (and me and Daves disappearance into the bushes on the other side of the car-park following the 'chest' incident), our local celeb's popularity managed to get her irritatingly stupid-Essex-girl-type visage splashed all over the TV screens for the first time since her BB3 - "No I did not give him a BJ!" appearance from a few years ago. Naturally, the Guvn'r, who can hardly keep his python in his trousers at the mere mention of the monster meloned minor monstrosity, immediately dispatched me, (and Dave), to go and get the full story.
Now Jades little gaff, near Lakeside, is hardly what you'd call befitting a celeb of somewhat importance. And quite rightly so. If it wasn't for the fact that she is so incredibly stupid - and people still allow her on TV - then no-one would give a toss about her. For example - me & Dave roll up outside Chez Jade - and ring the buzzer to her upstairs flat. I told her we're from the Grays Essex Courier, and she said could we leave it on the step, and that she'd have a word with the newsagents about the paperboy ringing her bell so early on a Saturday morning. Fuck me. And the day didn't get much better.
Several minutes persuasion finally saw the gifted one come stumbling down the stairs in a corduroy dressing gown muttering something about the bleeding time, bleeding hair, bleeding nails, bleding make-up & bleeding clothes. Me & Dave said we'd come back in three hours. At about 2pm, since sinking several pints in the local hostelry, me and my very good friend & colleague - Dave - returned to the enormous one, in a more 'friendly' & 'benelovent' manner. "Now then you old slapper!" was Dave's opening gambit by way of an introdcution. Classic. There now remains only two plaster ducks on Jade's living room wall. Dave wore the third one embedded into his scalp, all the way in the taxi to casualty. I naturally apologised for his insulting behaviour, but did suggest that she did not wear spandex as we were about to go out in public. That didn't go down to well either. But what the fuck. Her agent was gving us all a lift around to the cheating bastards house, to check it out before the Jade was to disrupt it with the wife swap thing.
"Now remember Jade," her agent said, "Don't touch anything, and don't talk to them about the quiz programme". Jade responded like a nodding dog in the back seat......which she was actually. As soon as we got there the cack-handed cow had managed to break his front gate, smash a priceless Japanese porcelain figurine, and told the poor old major to his very face that "...I don't like cheats...".
Not that the major gave a toss, as he confided in me about the movie deal going down about the whole story. Apparently the poor old major is under the illusion that Bruce Willis will be playing his part, with Sandra Bullock playing the part of his wife. Naturally, I didn't have the heart to tell him that the movie company with whom he was in secret negotiations with is actually set-up by 'Sparky' Mulholland none of the biggest conmen in the media business. Sparky and I once conned Richard Branson into making a movie about life....starring Bruce Willis as Richard Branson etc..And exactly like the poor old major Richardo also coughed up £100,000 (!) in pre-production costs. It's a great life in the media.
The major then reciprocated his complete disdain for Jade and all-things-Essex. This, of course, threw her into an uncontrolable fit of incomprehensible gibberish - and her agent dragged her off to Lakeside for some 'retail therapy' and a few Jack Daniels.
As far as a report to the Guvn'r was concerned - there wasn't one. Put he did get the bits they cut out of the TV programme...care of Sparky.
Catch you later
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