Friday, Oct. 24, 2003
Naturally, I would never assume that Jade could do anything but embarass the whole of womankind in Essex by appearing on Big Brothel, (not a spelling error!), but now she's advertising some new fucking women's magasine. And before you could say "Pass the Kleenex" - me & Dave were despatched off to by the Guvn'r to her next publicity bash - the extension of the Organic Foods Aisleway in Safeways. "Get some shots of her handling cucumbers" salivated the old tosser rubbing his hands together.Christ. It's like being part of some surreal fucking circus that produces newspapers.
Next weeks edition of Grays Essex Courier was going to include a piccie of Jade with two orgainc melons on her chest. I'd penned the tag line: Jade Gets Her Melons Out At Safeways......Actually, Dave had smothered her face with a cloth soaked in lens cleaning fluid, and as she was spark out on the floor I lifted up her shirt and balanced the melons on her revolting Mars bar inflated chest, and Dave took the piccies. You don't really think she'd have agreed to do those pics do you? Fuck me - neither did the security guards who came piling down the aisle as we clambered off the BB, (Big Breasted!), has-been & staggered through the glass doors, across the car park & into the bushes. But journalism does as journalism fucking gets - and the Guvn'r confiscated the photos for his private Jade Shrine - and disappeared off to the toilets for the rest of the afternoon - exerting his editorial power by the sounds eminating from the bog.
In other news, I rear-ended a disabled car, wrote it off , and spent three hours down the cop shop taking part in the violent interview technique of "Police Hate Journalists". Needless to say, fucking battered & bruised, I arrived very late to my afternoon appointment. The first thing I said was: "Sorry I'm late, I've just had a car crash & spent 3 hours with the pigs trying to lie my way out of it." Unfortunately for me I'd forgotten I was talking to the comedian Joe Pasquale whose ex-wife's son had been killed in a crash last Saturday whilst knicking a car from that slum area for wannabe yuppies - The Chafford Hundred.
He never saw the funny side of my explanation. Some comedian - it's fucking irony mate, that's what that is.
Catch you later
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