Sunday, Sept. 21, 2003

Crime doesn't pay. Bollocks. £250,000 worth of wine was knicked from Asda in Tilbury last week. I'm still on the trail of it using all my usual sources - Dave's wino friends. It's amazing the clarity of these guys after three quickly downed bottles of Blue Nun. It's like watching a Third Stage Guild Navigator consume vast quantities of spice, and then guide a ship across half the universe.....it's fucking Dune - look it up!

Anyway, accompagnied by Sharon's heaving chest, I set off to frequent the local wine bars in search of Dave's mates and Asda's Finest. Have you spent a cultural night out in Grays? Fuck me - you have to drink a lot before you realise you should have gone to Basildon instead - and that's saying something!

By the end of the evening I discovered that Grays doesn't have any wine bars, just a few pubs where all the lights work & there's no vomit in the bathroom sinks. That's fucking class for around here.

We ended up back at Sharon's flat for a curry and a shag........okay, it was just the fucking curry, and anyway with the amount of Vino Collapso I'd had to drink, I couldn't got it up even with a folk lift.

Got a scoop on Lenny though. One of his sex starved regular readers, (of the sex ads? Bizzare!), told me that the only reason Thurrock Council gave the new Secrets sex shop a licence to sell porno DVDs and videos, even though it is within wanking distance of a school and church, is because a few of the pervy council members live just around the corner. Well fancy that.

Catch you later

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